Never Split the Difference
The majority of interactions we have at work and at home boil down to a simple, animalistic urge: I want.
Mirroring.
- But we begin with listening, making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety to begin a real conversation.
- A playful voice puts someone in a positive frame of mind, where parties thinking more quickly and are more likely to collaborate and problem solve.
- Repeat back the critical one to three words of what people say.
Don’t Feel Their Pain, Label It
- It seems like/ it sounds like/ it looks like" – followed by the guess of emotion. Then pause.
- “Don’t use “I,” which makes you seem self-interested
- Incase of bone headed mistake – look I am an asshole.
- Empathy is the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart, and the vocalizaiton of that recognition. It is not sympathy.
- Traditional negotiating advice says to separate people from the problem, but that’s hard when their emotions are the problem.
- Emotions have two levels: The “presenting” behavior you see and hear, and the “underlying” feeling that motivates the behavior.
- Labeling reinforcing positives and diffusing negatives. It forces an angry person to acknowledge their feelings rather than continue to act out.
- Never deny the negative; Its like taking the sting out.
Beware “Yes”, Master “No”
- “No” provides an opportunity for both parties to clarify what they don’t want. After pausing [labeling], ask solution-based questions or simply label their effect.
- There are actually three kinds of “yes”: counterfeit, confirmation, and commitment.
- Gently guide your counterpart to discover your goal as his own. Basically putting ideas in their mouth.
- “Have you given up on this project?” -> Get them to say no.
- Trigger the Two Words That Immediately Transform Any Negotiation
- Before you convince someone to see what you’re trying to accomplish, you must say the things to them that will get them to say “that’s right.”
Quotes:
The most powerful word in negotiations is “fair.” The phrase “We just want what’s fair” destabilizes the other side.
Use loss aversion.
Once you’ve negotiated a salary, define success for your position, as well as metrics for your next raise.
By selling yourself and your success as a way your boss can validate his own intelligence and sell it to the rest of the company, he’ll have a stake in your success.
The greatest calibrated question “How am I supposed to do that?”
Start questions with “what” and “how.” “Who,” “when,” and “where” will cause your counterpart to share a fact without thinking. “Why” can sound accusatory.